I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
