you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
