His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
