JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
