I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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