I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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