now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
