Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
