capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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