When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
