Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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