A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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