I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
