Moan for me like Helen Keller
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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