I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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