i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
