Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just found a bag of teeth...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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