i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
