he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
