I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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