we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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