Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're a waste of cheezeits
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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