Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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