I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
