I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
