the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
