Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
