She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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