Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
