Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
