I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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