You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
