I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
