oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
