so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
