If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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