Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
