glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
