Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
