No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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