I'm going to jail i love you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Quick, to the slutcave!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
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