just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
