I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
