Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
