ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
