i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
