I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
