Someone shit on the floor
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
