Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
