Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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