Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
whose parrot is this?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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